I haven't been blogging for awhile. Can't find anything interesting yet to yak about. Tomorrow I will go for an interview as a real estate negotiator, it has been a dream for about 11 years to be one, but I did not pursue it, for various lame reasons.

Anyway tomorrow at 3pm I would know whether woman at my age would still get an opportunity to change career. I have always been very interested in sales and marketing line, so why should I wait. I haven't spoke to anyone about it, not even family, so I guess you guys would be the first to know for now.

I haven't done anything fantastic thing so far, but I was given a great cooking book. "500 pies and tarts". I have managed to bake 4 different pies and a tart so far, so 495 tarts and pies to go. Here some pictures on how decided to pack 2 extra kilo since new year.

Elenna with Chocolate Nuttela Frosting Cake (Bad for diabetic patient) Lemon Meringue Tart Light and yummy - my kind of tart

Mushroom Pie, Spinach Pie, Tuna Paprika Pie

I find cooking is a very calming for me, it takes all my worries and sadness in life away, so for now I have found 2 things that I love to do on my free time, maybe one of this weekend, Myza could join me in my fake 25th floor castle to feast my pies. Myza you pun kurus, off course hubby pun boleh join. So let us see whether I would be busy with my new career or not....wish me luck

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, gua dapat computer... Not a present but hutang la... I was careless last week, slam my car door on my computer, so result...Computer R.I.P. Had to buy a new one, blew my budget, but I manage to do an installment on this. So I just got my computer last Friday, and had been very busy updating my work, and closing my shop in Bangsar Village. I like this one it has big screen, Toshiba Satellite, murah pun murah.. So kalau bersawang sikit jangan marah ye, I have a valid reason..... anyway guys, happy new year and have a blast ok.... (and I don't mean as in suicide bombing), have fun la....

Ha ha ha..... I got a new hand phone, and ha ha ha, I don't how to use it..... Maybe it is just age, I remember, whenever given a new gizmo, I can do anything with it, without having to read the instruction. I was the man in the house, plugging all the wires to the machines, criss cross wires to TV, Astro, DVD, u name it, I can do it....... I find this little phone a bit challenging to, which it ended up back in the box. I was thinking I could check my emails, do facebook, blogging or whatever, as long I am connected in my digital world, but emmm....., not sure if it was the brightess idea, especially when bought in anger... alamak, I messed up again.........grrrr

Starting new isn't easy.  I basically have to change tonnes of my personal details, so I can start new without being harassed by him.  My worry if he comes and take my daughter away.  I am in hiding now.  Living with a friend who is nice enough to put me up for awhile.

I feel kind of scared of the life that I am offering to my daughter, always on the run and avoiding many things that may collide with my plans.  I am just waiting for the right time to exit KL.  Still checking on the possibility of migrating and friends abroad who can help me out. Have to disposed the assets and close the business.  As at present time, my request for a divorce is still not granted. I know the consequences of a woman asking for a divorce in Islam, berdosa besar, but I can't lie to myself, saying that I am going to be happy even for the sake of my daughter.

All the money in the world will not be able to buy my happiness again, for I know in my heart my one true love is gone forever.  I have to live now with decision that I have made, and hope that this decision is the right one, no matter how painful it is to me.  To every step that I take to erase all the past I had, the more I remember the good times I had. A friend told me that is it worth the pain for me to do this (perhaps out of satisfaction) to get back to him, that I need to look at the dark side of the relationship rather than working it out.  I have tried not to see the black spot on the white wall, but unfortunately there were too many.  I may have my flaws and mistakes in this relationship, but I should never be punished in such a way, the most painful way a woman can take in a marriage.  I would say, that divorce is unavoidable here.

Wish me luck.  God, please give me strength in every step that I take.

I haven't laugh much these days, but sitting on the bed with my baby and going through the web googling for funny things, lift my spirit again. One person that can really make me laugh is her. Despite all the pain that I have gone through, my antidote is just beside me, and how I enjoyed just being with her even tough sometime, looking at her reminded me of her dad. Check out this cat photo.

I think this one is Sheikh Muzaffar's cat

Apa pandang pandang???

This one appears to be laughing

These kittens must have belong to group that rob the petrol station in Kuala Kangsar recently.

I should let the police know about this.

Guys I am smiling again, a little crack on my face, there... all better with a little cream to soften the hard times. Adios.

Lost in 2008

2008 came and still here for another...24 days.... I am dying to leave this year, of misery and sadness. It is the worst year of my life, my entire life has not been bed of roses, but I have always managed. I fear that 2009 will be not so great either, cause I sense a lot of hardship in the early part of the year. I will disconnect everything connection in my personal life.

Living the Real Life

I am back now, adjusting to a life of a single mom. It is not so hard after all. With everything still up in the air, I am more focus on my life.

I do still often get sms and email from him, blaming me for everything that has happened, but it doesn't matter now. To me, say what you want, no words can harm me anymore. I lots of things to sort out before 2009 begins. Honestly I don't know where to start. So I am going to take my time now. I can't believe that I finally pull the plug!!! Sometime I think maybe I over reacted to this, but after what has happened to me throughout the year of 2008, balancing my career and life, I decided to take this plunged. I am afraid though to be alone cause as soon as he comes back here, he will take my daughter away while his here, and I will have her back when he travels again.

I no longer have to worry about his children, his family, his demands..... I will sure miss some of the things that I love to do for him, but I am sure he will find someone else to do for him, and I will eventually find someone to be with too. I am very positive about this. But first things first...where do I get a good legal advisor? Can I afford this? What if it get nasty? What will happen to my baby? That is one person I cannot afford to loose.

The Story of My Life

It has been exactly one month since I moved here.  Life hasn't change much as I predicted. After much thinking and thinking, I have finally decided to go back to reality. Home.  Home where I used to be happy, home where I used to share good old memories, home where my little girl took her first walk, home where I was once upon a time loved by a husband, and home where we took our vows together 14 years ago to love and honor each other till death do us part.

Things has changed a lot since a year ago. Many things that has happened and cannot be undone. How I wished this was just a nightmare that I will wake up one day.  I have been slapping myself everyday and think how can I allow people to walk all over me. But it happened. I know its not too late, if God permits, to fix all the wrong doings and eventually strengthened the bond that I had.  But as long as disturbances are around, things will never be the same or better again. Therefore, I have decide to come down from the 25th floor and put my foot down on my life.

Since we move here, I was never really welcome, I could see in his eyes how he pride the apartment, and how he wants things in his way there.  I was told not to make any decision or arrangement anything in the house because it was "My" apartment.  When I ask what do you mean by "MY" apartment, he simply said, cause I paid for it.  Well well well....

Well I paid for the house on the ground, but it was "OUR" house.... A house that I welcome his children, his family....and the best part ....his ex-wife... Yes, I am the only wife who welcome other ex-wife for holiday in the comfort of my home.  That's ok cause I was sincere and happy to have her.  Indeed she was a good person, and I know why her marriage with my husband does not work.

My step-daughter moved in last year in October.  On my invitation to open a business and set her in Malaysia, she was supposedly to be staying for 2 months with me.  But that didn't happened.  She stayed almost 10 nightmare months.

I gave her guidance on business, open a company, gave her work permit, help her professionally and personal. Tagging my butt for a good 4 months as the father completely abandoned her on my lap. I could not left her on her own cause I felt somehow responsible to this.  Her little business were not going as planned, but somehow or rather opportunity knocks on her door and she managed it well.  Professional help is completed.  Personal need was also attended, with many disagreement and rude remarks from her, I was getting upset, and I couldn't refrained from not telling the father, thinking that he may make her sad.  But at last, I poured out all my feelings....what did I get....... a nice scolding and rude remarks from the father.  After all I have done for his daughter, I was turned into the enemy in my own house.

Things got worst at home. I could not see eye to eye sometime with him, but I have a duty as wife and as a mother, that has to be perform. Month after month, new problem arises, and mostly caused by my step-daughter.  I was not allowed to say much, cause he doesn't believe and care what I said.  I was thinking, maybe this girl came here just to destroy my life, so she can have her father back, or she just simply deprived by her father's affection.  Something that she was lacking off from the last 26 years of her life.  Yes now she is 28 years old, and behaved like a 12 years old.  Her immaturity made me sick, and annoyed.  Her lazy and stingy attitude made me think, where the hell does she comes from. Didn't her mom teach her anything about being a woman or human? Although my biological daughter shares the same blood line with her, I just hope she will not turn like her half sister.

Like her father, she has never once apologise to me, on things that she hurt me, even after I told her.  Once I told her that I will not tolerate rudeness in my house, cause she was very rude... instead of saying sorry, she said "Noted".  I never treated her any different from my own, I just can't understand why she has to be such a bitch with me.  She was so nice with me in front of her father, but once the father leaves for outstation, Bang!!! I am rude with you again...., no point of telling her dad, he doesn't believe me...... You see, not all step mothers are bad.  I use to love all his children till now, I use to shower her with money and presents when she was young, never treated her badly, but this is the price you have to pay when you are just too nice and compromising.  They step all over you.

By June this year, I caught my husband cheating on me with another woman "Let call her Bitch A", so apparently he met Bitch A in December 2007, when times were rough between his daughter and me, so he needed some diversion and happiness elsewhere.  So after 7 months of dating this whore, I found out.  I wanted to leave this person that I shared 13 1/2 years of marriage.  But he said he would not contact this person anymore and will improve the marriage.  But guess what??? 2 months later I caught him with another woman.  Bitch B from France.  He brought her to our marital home, and shamelessly lied to me as he was making out with her.  YUP I was the fool.  I was never the same again since that day.

But I want to try still but this woman would not stop coming in between us.  So time to say goodbye.  I have lost every  little hope that I had for him, every little light burn for him has been blown away.  But I am not in the dark.  Light will see me true.  God loves me and I believe if I remain honest and truthful, someday I will find my happiness again.

And I will......... That is why I am going home tomorrow........

11.18pm - Last night in Apartment

ps: Dear Husband, if you are reading this, I am glad I found away of trying to pour my feelings to you, in many ways I tried to tell you, but you refuse to listen.  Now there is too much water under the bridge, I am crossing over to the other side.  Stay where you are comfortable and hope you will find great happiness there.  I wish you well, and I wish your daughter to go to hell.